Okay it's been a long time , but these things happen, sometimes the well runs dry - so I'm back now and hopefully you'll all keep reading .

Okay so, Soylent Green was on TCM last night - and as famous as it is never saw it before.. Actually I watched something else, and tuned in at the end of the film.
Charlton's Bloody hand reaching up and him yelling "It's made out of People!!!, People, you've got to tell them!!!!"

This scene and movie triggered a fond Bradford Memory - how you ask, well I'll tell you.

See, and I might have mentioned it before, mabey not, i don't know - and it is my page and I can do whatever i wanr right?
Well anyways, I distinctly remember Caroline running around campus yelling that famous Charlton Heston line. It always made me giggle, cause it was so cute the way she did it, and it always made me laugh.
So now it's become one of those hand in hand memories - you know where you always associate one thing with another no matter how many other things it might make memories of?
It's also a nice way for me to remember a long gone friend - cause so many people have come and gone over the yrs, that there is always one thing that you will be remembered for.
Another example would be Melissa and Jesse - I will always associate Melissa with Shankar and the hippy trends - like tye die and vegetarianism, and those peasant blouses. Jesse I guess I always associate him with Maine, Pink Floyd and surreal art.
By the way, I had a very weird experience yesterday while shopping for used cds at cd world. I stopped short when i saw the cashier, because he looked so much like Erik Paul - a guy I knew at Bradford, one of Chris's friends. So I literally froze and had to be snapped back to reality. So, I guess you could say, i also associate ponytails with Erik, and also anthropomorphic comics or cartoons.
Just like I can't help but think of Kevin where Star Wars is concerned. Or Sarcasm with Chris or Anime with Jason.
I often wonder what people have come away with associating me with? I really hope that goth thing blows over- I knew being like that at Bradford, was going to come back to haunt me some day. But it seems Bleeding Unicorns, and Dark Angels will never die!!!!

Well if anyone who reads this page , can enlighten me any, I'd sure love to hear your answer to the question i posed.

Til I stalk this page again ... see ya, I'll keep you all posted

A new Start

I think that by now you have a good idea of the things that shaped my life and I have shared with you my fondest of memories of days gone by. But, now I'd like to pause, for i have, for now exhausted my mind with these Bradford ancedotes and stories. For my nest phase I should like to discuss a miscellany of thoughts from my tangled web of a head.
I will say, it took me a long time to find out who i was. See, I had absorbed so much from so many people, that by the time i finally left college, I realized I didn't know who i was anymore. I felt like Holly Go-Lightly of Breakfast at Tiffany's (a favorite film of mine, and always manages to bring a tear to my eye no matter how many times i watch it). So it took me a couple of yrs to finally sort things out.
Thus, I'd like to share with you some things about me in more detail in the coming blogs. I am also thinking of starting to post my creative pursuits on a seperate webpage.Also i shall be discussing my thoughts on favorite films, tv, books, artists and music.
Hope you have all enjoyed my writings so far and I hope you all will keep reading - stay tuned boys and girls - the best is yet to come.
Next Time - Only The Shadow Knows What Lurks in Brendar's Blog Swamp - hehehehehehe

Part 10 - The Modern Kevin Journals - Friends Become Family

Anyway, so after we got back in touch with each other, it wasn't long before I started the first of many visits to see him and stayed in his house. It wasn't long til I became like family to him.
See, during my time at Bradford, there were nights when we'd hang out at Kevin's house to watch movies or just chill, or even use it as a pitstop before we headed out for the evening.
I don't know how many times Kevin had to tear me away from his mom. We;d talk and talk and talk about all kinds of things - things like health food, and what was going on in his mom's church, or even about Kevin in general. His mom took care of me too and seemed quite found of me and my family tales i told her. My favorite memory, and I swear i will never forget this, was when i was really sick with a cold and just felt like hell. I think I was calling Kevin's house and i was telling his mom how i was sick and she said she'd make me some chicken soup. So Derek, (one of our gang, and the best friend to Kevin from High School) , actually went and brought the soup back for me. I never forgot that.
Whenever I came over she would show me her kitchen and the latest healthy things she had bought for Kev's father. Soon it became a regular thing for us to talk about. And nowadays I even send her coupons for healthy products that i know she is always on the look out for.
Anyway, Kevin's mom always went out of her way to make me feel comfortable, getting me blankets if I felt cold and scolding Kevin if he kept me waiting too long. She became my second mom and like i said I was the sister Kevin never really got to have .
See, Kevin has an older sister, but she ran off when Kevin was young - ran away from home. So, mabey in a sense, it is part of fate in bringing us together. Eventhough he doesn't often show it openly, I think he does need me around.
It took me a long time to adjust to the idea of being a sister to him, I mean, hell I have strong feelings for him, but over time I was flattered and I considered myself pretty lucky that he wanted me in his life and needed me.
Call me the human stress reliever - see also over the yrs, he'd call me out of the blue and vent to me when he was overly stressed from work. I usually stayed up late, and so since he worked god awful hours, I told him he could call me anytime. So, there were nights , when he'd call me at like midnight, or 1AM and I could just tell that he needed to relieve some stress and just vent about his work. I cared and worried about him a lot, so I was happy that he finally came to trust me in that sense and knew that he could turn to me when he needed to.
And that was the great thing - we felt so comfortable with each other, that we could discuss anything at all. We hardly ever argued, and it was refreshing to find someone I could finally trust whole heartedly and not always have to keep my guard up like I do with everyone else.
I just know that when I visit I start of really really stressed and tense and by the time it's time to go home again, my head is clearer, and my body feels refreshed. Fell like I can face the world again. And think of it, millions of people have to pay millions of dollars for sessions with a stranger to sit on a couch and spout what is bugging them, but I get my therapy for free or the mere price of a roundtrip train ticket. Pretty Good eh?
Part 1 - Blog Pauses

Part 4 - The Kevin Journal

I guess by now you've pretty much guessed what a special relationship Kevin and I share(d)- and the more time I got to spend with him, the more I loved him. Now, a lot of you probably don't believe in that soulmate or fate stuff, but I am convinced that it was true for me in this case. And eventhough Kevin thinks of me as a sister, I do believe that I was meant to meet him and that he is one of my soul mates.
However, I would like to now skip ahead to after I graduated. It was always hard to say goodbye to Kevin whether it was for a short break or a lengthy one, but the worst for me was when I had to finally leave Bradford. I left still in a shambles from what Andy had done to me and having to fake friendly good byes to my roomate and friends that were lost to me by the end of the semester.
So, Kevin and I said our goodbyes and that was that - i went through a very hard yr without him, and thought since he didn't call at all that it was over for our friendship too. Until the next yr, around August, I get a call from him and we haven't missed a beat since.
That yr without him was a time of realizations for me. I learned just how important he was to me. I don't know why there was that absence or what made him suddenly call me out of the blue, but had it not happened, I don't know where I'd be today.
In his absnece though, I fell in love with Tyler - and came to hang out with Melissa and Jesse and Luigi and Meagan. Tyler was Jesse's best friend, and I call him my transitional love after Andy. Needless to say it went nowhere, once again, I was just a friend to him. But it did occupy my mind for a time.
Anyway, sorry to cut it short tonight, but the next part is coming very soon - i promise.
Part 10 - The Modern Kevin Journals - Friends Become Family

Part 3 - The Kevin Journal

Okay, since no one sent me any pliers, I guess I'll continue on with my stories.

Closeness brings confusion - a host of it - especially when the line is blurred between friendship and something bordering on dating.
I told you how Kevin and I were becoming inseperable from each other. I mean it got to the point where if i wasn't with him, people would become puzzled. People thought we were dating too, because we often faught like a married couple. (actually recently, on my last visit, we visited a friend of Kev's to go play video games, I swear I didn't do anything, but not five minutes does his friend ask if I am his girlfriend and remarks that we are like a married couple - baffling).
I mean, we were very affectionate with each other. Lots of hugs. He would often sneak up behind me and put his arms round my waist and lift me up much to my surprise. When watching movies in his house, he'd sit up and I would curl up next to him, head resting on his leg and just be utterly content. He'd also give me behind the ear scratches and just generally gave me lots of love and attention. Even used to let me sit on his lap.
It didn't take me long to fall in love with him. Hell, i think it was when i first noticed him across from me in class, but I didn't realize it until much later. We just cliqued and it felt like nothing else i had felt with anyone else before.
And it really felt like we were dating. I mean he took me on drives, had interesting conversations and debates with me and payed attention to my needs. He was caring and considerate and listened when i talked. He gave me everything I craved in life, and everything Andy neglected to give - so it was only natural that I think that Kevin was in love with me too. There just wasn't any kissing or sex or even sleeping together.
I remember, finally asking him one day in the commons room of my cluster indirectly about us - and he told me he never dates his friends, all because of the whole Kelly thing. I also later found out, and it was always strange that he had never mentioned this until that one conversation , that he had a fiancee, Steph. Of course it didn't hit me, until she actually came down to visit Kevin for the spring dance. i was in so much turmoil for I also found out that it was Misty who housed Steph when she first came to meet Kevin his freshman yr. (he met her over the internet)
So when she was around I would get pensive, quiet, and submissive - cause I felt quite small, and I wanted to pay Kevin respect when she was around. Kevin was still affectionate as ever to me, and it made me embaressed, because i thought that mabey he shouldn't be grabbing me when Steph is around. It is only recently that Kevin told me, that Steph had noticed my quietness when she was around, and asked Kevin about it - that was when Kevin realized that I loved him. However, he never discussed it with me and just acted like nothing was wrong.
I have a theory, but in fear that Kevin might actually sit down and read my page, I am taking the fifth on this one.
Anyway, needless to say it was quite a confusing time for me. Between what Andy did to me and the relationship i have with Kevin, I am so confused about the world of love and relationships.

I do want to leave you tonight with a favorite memories of mine. One was the time after all our friends left for the night, after game of D and D, Kevin and I stayed in the commons room and talked til five in the morning. we actually stood and watched the sun come up and reveled in the sheer absolute quiet of the moment. It was one of the most special moments of my life and one I will remember til i die.
We'd come to repeat early morning moments like that, but never did they match that moment, except one that came pretty close yrs later. But that is much later, so hang tight for now.

Part 4 -The Kevin Journal

Part 2 - The Kevin Journal
Remember how I had said in my past friend diaries how with each person I met, I kind of was influenced by them and took something away with me, well, Kevin also had a tidal wave effect on my too in that capacity. Only this time, it was a onslaught of things, everything from art, to books, to movies and most especially Music.
It must have started with a very extensive metal cd c and his numerous collection of black metal tee shirts that he lived in when he wasn't at work.
A favorite memory, and this is how i always want to remember Kevin - is sitting at the computer, with his Metallica tee or Megadeth, (whichever, he had so many), with his trademark Star Wars cap, and listening to his Van Halen cd while he surfed the net. Van Halen's 1984 titled cd to be exact, a cd i wouldn't aquire for myself until Dec of last yr. Oh yeah and he'd always be driumming away like mad and humming or playing air guitar to most notable on that cd "Hot for Teacher". Give him anything with fast guitars or heavy drums and he is one happy camper lost forever more in the music!
I guess that was the most important cd because it served as an intorduction to the world of metal for me, that I so love to rock out to now.
Soon after, and it was slow going, believe me, we had many hours discussiong music, and him playing his favorite tracks from cds for me and then trying to discern what I liked and disliked .. like a cross -examination in a courtroom. It not only became a sort of weird bonding ritual, but I think it seemed important that I approve .
I guess, in a way, I also exposed him to my tastes in music, which not too many people seemed to be too gung ho over. So it was a give and take thing and the more time I spent with him, the more i was beginning to get a taste for this metal he so loved and grew up on. It was a part of his personality and who he was as a person - and a special one at that.
Soon, we were taking long car rides together late at night and just listening to tunes. Most of the time we wouldn't have to say anything at all to each other on those jaunts, it was a mental connection. The rides also were a time for us to just vent about whatever was troubling us, as we drove aimlessly around. I don't know how many times he would just look at me after a long bout of silence and then just ask "what's up" - and then I would answer him with a "oh nothing" - then there would be silence for awhile and then I'd spill my guts to him. It became a ritual with us and I found myself really relaxed and just spouting things i would never have the nerve to say to any of my other friends.
What was so special and amazed me, was the ability to which Kevin was just able to read me like that. He just had to take one look at me or he just could sense the mood I was in and just know that I needed to vent. A lot of times when I was silent, he would automatically come to associate that with something being wrong. He still does.
We had formed such a synchronicitious connection (not N'Sync - lol, blech) that he had formed a word association for what we had - He said he was The Windex to My Plexiglass. Needless to say that added a private nickname from him to me, Plexigirl - because he couls always see right through me.
But, I want to go back to this thing about him wanting my approval - you see, over the time we spent together, I guess I became rather important to him. He began to consult me on things, like his stories for David's class, and essays , and he often turned to me , (after much prying), when he had had a hard day at work. I sensed he was even more stressed than I was, but often kept things to himself. I worried about him in this sense, but over the yrs, I think as the trust and closeness grew, he realized that he could indeed turn to me for relief and to talk about things that troubled his mind. But evenso, it took a long time and there are still times when you have to pry things out of him.
If anyone knows where I can get a good , strong set, of quality pliers ?!

Part 3 - Kevin Journal
The Confusion Sets in

Part 9.3 - The Friend Diaries - - Part 1 - The Kevin Journal
Okay, so I've already told you about the major players in my life that have come and gone, now what this was all working up to was The Big One - The Mother of them all!!!!! You've heard his name peppered about my rants since i started this page, and since i met him, my life, in some way or another, has revolved around him - so I guess it's time i actually spent a few rants actually talking about him in more detail. To tell you the full story, that forever continues to this day and prob til the day i die. This, my friends, and loyal readers, all three of you, lol, is Kevin's Realm.
It's hard to know where to begin exactly, I mean, you all read how I met him, and you already know how inseperable we were at Bradford, but mabey it's time I went into all the more detail so that you can understand what an important and pivitol person he has become over the yrs to my life.
Let me go back to when I first saw, actually i should say noticed, him sitting across from me in Prof Nye's Brit Lit class. I really don't know what first led me to pick him out of the countless others in the class - but I guess the fact that everyday he would come in, sit in the same seat, and where that same Star Wars baseball cap everyday kinda helped in my singling him out. That, and the fact, that he had interesting things to bring into the class discussions, but was often hesitiant to speak , for fear of being shot down and mabey embaressed. My only regret, was waiting so long before bringing myself to gain the courage to move my seat sooner and knowing him much earlier.
Oh well, Fate works in mysterious ways - What's done is done, eh? You can't change things now. And I do believe it was fate that brought us together - I've always believed that, I didn't realize it until yrs later when I really thought about it, but Fate was definately at work.
You simply must watch the movie "Can't Hardly Wait" - and you'll know what I am talking about, also it's one of my favorite films, the soundtrack is awesome and it was a film i shared with Kevin because of one scene that totally reminded me of Kevin big time!!!!!
But, i digress, so anyway sometime after that Kureishi project we worked on, it gets a bit fuzzy, but we became fast friends. I always wished I could pin point that exact moment when you clique, but somehow you just can never remember that exact moment when you just know your going to bond for life. That exact moment that will change your life, and no matter how hard i try to remember or recall, I can't and so just let it be and accept that it happened.
So anyway, Bam, friends!!!!
Soon I start to notice the details about Kevin - like how he is a caffeine a- holic - I mean every class, and I espcially remember Prof Smart's World Lit class - he'd walk in with a bottle of Crank 2.0 or some other cofee type beverage. It became a running joke. Now, if you don't know, Crank was very highly caffeinated water. I don't know what was in that stuff, but man was he a live wire because of it. He was a coffee junkie.
I didn't worry at the time, until I realized why he needed it. See, he had a very stressful job working at Barnes and Nobles right up until the latter half of last yr when he finally quit. Later, he would take up cigarettes to calm his nerves when coffee wouldn't, but that was sometime after he left Bradford. That's when I really worried about him, and he relied on me greatly for stress relief - but I'm getting ahead of myself.
But, between getting school work done , and he was always asking for extensions and driving his professors crazy, but did really thorough papers, and working at the bookstore, and hanging out with his friends, I'm surprised he didn't just explode sooner. There were times when wouldn't sleep, and there were times when he'd disappear from class for a week, and suddenly get sick. I worried about him a lot, but we couldn't help him. I remember him being with me lots of times til five in the morn, and then having to get up in like an hour for work!!!! It pained me to see him so burned out and it killed me when he disappeared suddenly cause of exhaustion or sickness. But, he is one active person, still is, hasn't slowed down yet.
In class he always had to have the best editions of books because he loved to read so much and working at the bookstore gave him a discount. I recall World Lit, Myth was a favorite subject of his, and he always had these big ass, nicely leather bound copies of Beowolf, or The Odyssey or The Illiad with him. It's all about the footnotes for him. lol
For tonight I'll leave you with this other thing I recall and continue on with Part 2 - in the Kevin Journals

I remember about Smart's class is how me and Kevin used to remark on the daily choice in ties the professor would come in with. They were often very colorful and whole heartedly matched his personality to a tee. he even got in on the joking about Kev's coffee drinking - lol.

More Next time - hold on and I'll try not to slack